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From fork-admin@xent.com Wed Sep 11 13:49:27 2002
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56DC6C432; Tue, 10 Sep 2002 15:06:36 -0400 (EDT)
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Reply-To: khare@alumni.caltech.edu
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From: khare@alumni.caltech.edu
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To: fork@example.com
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Subject: NYTimes.com Article: Some Friends, Indeed, Do More Harm Than Good
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Date: Tue, 10 Sep 2002 15:06:36 -0400 (EDT)
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This article from NYTimes.com
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has been sent to you by khare@alumni.caltech.edu.
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Sure does explain FoRK :-)
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not yet abandoned,
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Rohit
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khare@alumni.caltech.edu
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Some Friends, Indeed, Do More Harm Than Good
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September 10, 2002
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By MARY DUENWALD
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Friends are supposed to be good for you. In recent years,
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scientific research has suggested that people who have
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strong friendships experience less stress, they recover
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more quickly from heart attacks and they are likely to live
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longer than the friendless. They are even less susceptible
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to the common cold, studies show.
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But not all friends have such a salutary effect. Some lie,
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insult and betray. Some are overly needy. Some give too
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much advice. Psychologists and sociologists are now calling
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attention to the negative health effects of bad friends.
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"Friendship is often very painful," said Dr. Harriet
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Lerner, a psychologist and the author of "The Dance of
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Connection." "In a close, enduring friendship, jealousy,
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envy, anger and the entire range of difficult emotions will
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rear their heads. One has to decide whether the best thing
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is to consider it a phase in a long friendship or say this
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is bad for my health and I'm disbanding it."
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Another book, "When Friendship Hurts," by Dr. Jan Yager, a
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sociologist at the University of Connecticut at Stamford,
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advises deliberately leaving bad friends by the wayside.
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"There's this myth that friendships should last a
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lifetime," Dr. Yager said. "But sometimes it's better that
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they end."
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That social scientists would wait until now to spotlight
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the dangers of bad friends is understandable, considering
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that they have only recently paid close attention to
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friendship at all. Marriage and family relationships -
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between siblings or parents and children - have been seen
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as more important.
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Of course, troubled friendships are far less likely to lead
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to depression or suicide than troubled marriages are. And
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children are seldom seriously affected when friendships go
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bad.
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As a popular author of relationship advice books, Dr.
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Lerner said, "Never once have I had anyone write and say my
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best friend hits me."
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Dr. Beverley Fehr, a professor of psychology at the
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University of Winnipeg, noted that sociological changes,
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like a 50 percent divorce rate, have added weight to the
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role of friends in emotional and physical health.
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"Now that a marital relationship can't be counted on for
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stability the way it was in the past, and because people
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are less likely to be living with or near extended family
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members, people are shifting their focus to friendships as
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a way of building community and finding intimacy," said Dr.
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Fehr, the author of "Friendship Processes."
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Until the past couple of years, the research on friendship
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focused on its health benefits. "Now we're starting to look
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at it as a more full relationship," said Dr. Suzanna Rose,
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a professor of psychology at Florida International
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University in Miami. "Like marriage, friendship also has
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negative characteristics."
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The research is in its infancy. Psychologists have not yet
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measured the ill effects of bad friendship, Dr. Fehr said.
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So far they have only, through surveys and interviews,
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figured out that it is a significant problem. The early
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research, Dr. Fehr added, is showing that betrayal by a
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friend can be more devastating than experts had thought.
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How can a friend be bad? Most obviously, Dr. Rose said, by
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drawing a person into criminal or otherwise ill-advised
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pursuit. "When you think of people who were friends at
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Enron," she added, "you can see how friendship can support
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antisocial behavior."
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Betrayal also makes for a bad friendship. "When friends
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split up," said Dr. Keith E. Davis, a professor of
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psychology at the University of South Carolina, "it is
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often in cases where one has shared personal information or
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secrets that the other one wanted to be kept confidential."
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Another form of betrayal, Dr. Yager said, is when a friend
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suddenly turns cold, without ever explaining why. "It's
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more than just pulling away," she said. "The silent
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treatment is actually malicious."
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At least as devastating is an affair with the friend's
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romantic partner, as recently happened to one of Dr.
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Lerner's patients. "I would not encourage her to hang in
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there and work this one out," Dr. Lerner said.
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A third type of bad friendship involves someone who insults
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the other person, Dr. Yager said. One of the 180 people who
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responded to Dr. Yager's most recent survey on friendship
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described how, when she was 11, her best friend called her
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"a derogatory name." The woman, now 32, was so devastated
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that she feels she has been unable to be fully open with
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people ever since, Dr. Yager said.
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Emotional abuse may be less noticeable than verbal abuse,
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but it is "more insidious," Dr. Yager said. "Some people
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constantly set up their friends," she explained. "They'll
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have a party, not invite the friend, but make sure he or
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she finds out."
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Risk takers, betrayers and abusers are the most extreme
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kinds of bad friends, Dr. Yager said, but they are not the
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only ones. She identifies 21 different varieties. Occupying
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the second tier of badness are the liar, the person who is
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overly dependent, the friend who never listens, the person
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who meddles too much in a friend's life, the competitor and
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the loner, who prefers not to spend time with friends.
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Most common is the promise breaker. "This includes everyone
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from the person who says let's have a cup of coffee but
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something always comes up at the last minute to someone who
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promises to be there for you when you need them, but then
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isn't," Dr. Yager said.
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Some friendships go bad, as some romantic relationships do,
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when one of the people gradually or suddenly finds reasons
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to dislike the other one.
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"With couples, it can take 18 to 24 months for someone to
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discover there's something important they don't like about
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the other person," said Dr. Rose of Florida International.
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"One might find, for example, that in subtle ways the other
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person is a racist. In friendships, which are less intense,
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it may take even more time for one person to meet the
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other's dislike criteria."
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Whether a friendship is worth saving, Dr. Lerner said,
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"depends on how large the injury is."
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"Sometimes the mature thing is to lighten up and let
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something go," she added. "It's also an act of maturity
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sometimes to accept another person's limitations."
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Acceptance should come easier among friends than among
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spouses, Dr. Lerner said, because people have more than one
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friend and do not need a full range of emotional support
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from each one.
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But if the friendship has deteriorated to the point where
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one friend truly dislikes the other one or finds that the
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friendship is causing undue stress, the healthy response is
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to pull away, Dr. Yager said, to stop sharing the personal
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or intimate details of life, and start being too busy to
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get together, ever.
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"It takes two people to start and maintain a friendship,
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but only one to end it," Dr. Yager said.
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Friendship, because it is voluntary and unregulated, is far
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easier to dissolve than marriage. But it is also
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comparatively fragile, experts say. Ideally, the loss of a
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bad friendship should leave a person with more time and
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appreciation for good ones, Dr. Lerner said.
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"It is wise to pay attention to your friendships and have
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them in order while you're healthy and your life and work
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are going well," she said. "Because when a crisis hits,
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when someone you love dies, or you lose your job and your
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health insurance, when the universe gives you a crash
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course in vulnerability, you will discover how crucial and
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life-preserving good friendship is."
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http://www.nytimes.com/2002/09/10/health/psychology/10FRIE.html?ex=1032684795&ei=1&en=2a88a6d1b985c977
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HOW TO ADVERTISE
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---------------------------------
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For information on advertising in e-mail newsletters
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or other creative advertising opportunities with The
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New York Times on the Web, please contact
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onlinesales@nytimes.com or visit our online media
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kit at http://www.nytimes.com/adinfo
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For general information about NYTimes.com, write to
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help@nytimes.com.
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Copyright 2002 The New York Times Company
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