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4.4 KiB
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In-crappy-credible. That's the word that comes to mind. How do movies like this get made? Was there no sane person on the set (never mind, they didn't have a set) who had the guts to tell Claudio Fragasso "sorry mate, this just ain't gonna work, just give it up already before anyone gets hurt"? Wow. That's all I can say. I truly cannot summarize how awful this movie is in words. But I'll try, anyway. I have to get this film out of my system before I go insane.<br /><br />Take some rednecks and ex-porn stars, throw them into some anonymous town in the middle of nowhere, slap a huge "NILBOG" sign on a pole, hire lots of dwarfs and some sh!tty costumes, and get the most over-the-top, annoying, washed-up Z-movie actress you can find to play the main antagonist, add a delusional kid who is almost as convincing as the thespian from "Pod People", and at least twice as irritating, and you have a movie. That's the Claudio Fragasso way! <br /><br />So we have a kid actor with whom we're supposed to sympathize, but he's so bad I just wanted to hit him most of the time and tell him not to be such an overreacting little prick. Seriously, Joshua looks like someone is repeatedly kicking him in the groin whenever he tries to emote.<br /><br />Unbelievably, Joshua isn't the worst actor in the film - even though everyone in this movie either screams or mumbles his or her casual lines , and even though Joshua's mum looks like a crack addict psychopath during most of her scenes, the real Dung Beetle award for incompetent acting has to go to Deborah Reed. She plays Creedence Leonore Gielgud in a way that makes it hard not to think that the nice men in white coats were waiting for Deborah after major shooting of the film had finished. This woman has the scariest eyes I've ever seen, they're constantly moving up and down, bulging in and out of their sockets so fast even Rodney Dangerfield would be scared. Her eyes are enough to almost distract you from her horrendous overacting, but only almost. Hearing her deliver her "little flower" speech makes you pine for the subtlety and depth of Vin Diesel. But enough about her.<br /><br />Can it get any worse? Actually it can, because suddenly a myriad of the aforementioned dwarfs - sorry, I meant goblins - appear. Think of an army of walking, oinking potatoes with bargain bin Halloween masks - those are the goblins. Sound scary yet? I thought so.<br /><br />Kill me now. I thought the film couldn't get any dumber, but it did - suddenly Joshua realizes that "NILBOG" is actually "GOBLIN" spelled BACKWARDS!!! Yes, I'm stunned too. This truly is the most brilliant plot twist this side of M. Night Shyallaman. And so cleverly set up, too! I can assure you I did NOT see this coming, no siree. Gee whizz, what a shocker! All sarcasm aside, this is probably the part of the film where I completely lost it. The sheer look of shock on Joshua's face upon his revelation combined with the "scary" music (which was probably stolen from some Japanese TV show from the eighties, by the way) - this is unintentional comedy at its finest. And by "finest", I mean "most painful".<br /><br />So, when all is said and done, what can we make of this movie? It's low budget, so badly acted you'll want to gouge your eyes out, unintentionally hilarious, blatantly homoerotic (Elliott having trouble choosing between his "boys" and his girlfriend, Elliott's "boys" sleeping half-naked next to each other) and it gave me the impression that Claudio Fragasso has a fetish for the colour green. In conclusion this film has very deservedly earned itself a position on the Bottom 100, and I'm still blown away by the fact that there are movies this irredeemably awful out there. My review has barely scratched on the surface of how awful this film is - it's worse than "Red Zone Cuba", worse than "The Beast of Yucca Flats", worse than "Time of the Apes"... and I wouldn't hesitate to say that it's *this* close to being as bad as "Manos: The Hands of Fate" (interestingly enough, both films feature a hilarious scene in which the main characters inexplicably burst out in a chorus of "Row your boat"). My Bottom 100 marathon couldn't have ended on a higher note of badness and I'm happy to say that I survived this ordeal (Watching "Bloodrayne", "Captain America" and this in a row) without any extensive brain damage... or did I? Anyway, to any devoted fan of bad movies, this is truly appetizing... and provocative. To quote Arnold, one of Elliot's "boys": "OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!" |