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2.9 KiB
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1 line
2.9 KiB
Plaintext
The chupacabra, according to this mockumentary, is a mysterious<br /><br />creature that has been killing and eating Hispanic goats in Latin<br /><br />America and Mexico for years. One has crossed the border into<br /><br />southern Texas, and a cute, intrepid cryptozoologist (no, I did not<br /><br />make up that word) go to an isolated ranch to find one. Her uncle<br /><br />was killed by the creature, and some grainy video footage of the<br /><br />monster exists. She takes a badass black guy with a gun and two<br /><br />cameramen (for easy-to-edit coverage), and they go ahuntin' for<br /><br />chupacabras. Ten minutes into the film, they find it.<br /><br />The rest of the film has the team of documentarians getting<br /><br />attacked by the bloodthirsty monster, and stilted dialogue. At one<br /><br />point, the team runs into a couple of hottie witches who lead them<br /><br />to the chupacabra's nest...for $100. If only the FBI knew about how<br /><br />cheaply Tex-Mex witches could be bought as informants. Whole<br /><br />decades of mythical beast reports could be cleared up with a<br /><br />blank check.<br /><br />In the end, after the bloody deaths of characters you don't give a<br /><br />goat's patoot about, a chupacabra is captured, killed, and<br /><br />autopsied. The only point of the autopsy scene is to highlight the<br /><br />makeup department's efforts in such a cheap film.<br /><br />The film is shot on video, just like "BWP," yet the cameraman<br /><br />characters never reload their tapes or recharge their camera<br /><br />batteries. The lead actress here is awful. The beauty of the<br /><br />average "BWP" was its use of improvisation during the production.<br /><br />Here, all the lines are written, and are delivered like a poorly<br /><br />rehearsed Christmas pageant.<br /><br />The film is tinged with racism, as well. The only African-American<br /><br />here is a loudmouthed gun nut. At one point, as the crew breaks<br /><br />into an abandoned house, they find a trio of illegal immigrants who<br /><br />comically ask them if they are from the INS. Chortle, chortle.<br /><br />The monster itself is a guy in a rubber suit, and nothing more. For<br /><br />such a lumbering and awkward beast, he is able to sneak up on<br /><br />the cast pretty quietly, whether they have idiotically locked<br /><br />themselves in a giant cage as bait, or cannot seem to get their<br /><br />only vehicle started.<br /><br />The gore is gruesome, but when surrounded by this kind of<br /><br />stupidity, it loses all of its effectiveness. I do not know if this was<br /><br />shot before or after "BWP," but I can honestly say this is the worst<br /><br />film ever made in southern Texas about a mythical beast. Pray<br /><br />there are not any sequels, I will start a letter writing campaign to<br /><br />Troma.<br /><br />This is rated (R) for strong physical violence, gun violence, strong<br /><br />gore, and profanity.<br /><br /> |